I am down. I am struggling. I called a friend, a teacher, a doctor who participated in my training. We talked.
In the middle of January, I told my wife, we have been blessed / lucky so far, no major OB cases were we wonder “what if”. Yes there have been a lot of difficult OB cases and yes, there have been a number of medical cases were we have wondered “what if” . . . a 28 year old mother of five admitted for sepsis secondary to provoked abortion dead 16 hours later. I was with her for the last 5 and wondered out-loud what if.
It is surprising what a month will do. I have now two cases related to OB and post-partum where I wonder “what if”.
“Oh Lord, you know our situation, you know what I will face today, give me strength, give me wisdom to prevail.”
In my conversation with this friend I was reminded that I was a good doctor, a good person, here in Togo doing a service. She told me to remember the success and the saves. Interesting advice.
I do not remember the good times, the saves, or the success. I, instead, remember the failures, the struggles, the defeats. These struggles mark me with strong emotions, and it is these emotions that I remember. It is these emotions that rule the day when I am down that make me question what I am doing.
“Oh Lord, help me to glorify you. Have mercy on those I see in your name. Do not punish them for my compliancy, pride, sin”
It is tough. In a full day at OB clinic I will see many patients. Of the 25 plus patients I see, I only remember the two difficulty “what if” ones. That fact that they continue to come to our clinic for follow up is a testimony to them, their strength of character. I am not sure I would. I would run. Yes, I am the doctor and I am here. But on days like this I am only there because the airport is 3 hours away, and outside of purchasing a ticket home, I am not sure what I would do. Beside, my wife is post call, at home with Noah . . . I have no other options.
“Thank you Lord for the Togolese people, there heart, their desire to know you and their example. I am not worthy.”
After the first case, the surgeons, medical chief and I visited the patient. Our object was simple, to give no excuse, simply to explain what happened. During this process, the patient explained that she was a seamstress who makes clothes and understands from time to time things happen. And when they happen, you correct them and move on. She then went one to say she hoped that what had happened would not affect her relationship with us the doctors and the hospital staff! She continues to come to our hospital, to our OB clinic, I have seen her two times. Her husband has invited us to their baby dedication.
“Thank you Lord for her, for her faith, for her example. I pray that you will bless her life and that of her family. What successes you have promised me, I pray you give to her.”
The second case is tougher. I have no description, no details. All I can say is she comes to our clinic for follow up. We pray.
“I am at your mercy Lord”.
Today, my wife is on OB call, she started in the morning and has yet to come home. I start my OB call tomorrow. Our OB deck is different than most. We manage not only the mothers but the babies, with their complications, that are born either at our hospital or at an outside clinic. We are blessed to have a post resident pediatrician guiding us in our decision making and handling some of the more difficult cases. Presently we have quadruplets, weight between 1.29 kilos and 1.6 kilos, born at an outside clinic; we have one baby on day number fourteen of IV antibiotics for 2 positive blood cultures, we are waiting the third; we have a baby who is seizing regularly with fever and on scheduled phenobarb, we are not sure of the source of the fever. Outside of that we are in the process of inducing a pregnant lady who is at 42 weeks gestation and the baby is no longer living –four days ago the baby was fine. And we are watching a mom, 20 weeks gestational age with a 2 cm dilated cervix, in whom we have placed our first cerclage (a stich to try and keep the cervix closed) –we hope to stop an earlier delivery.
“Lord God, thank you very much for Dr. K and her patience and care for not only the patients but us (me and my wife) for taking the time to train us and to give us a new set of skills. We pray for her and thank her for her time here at HBB and for her safe travels as she heads back to the states for a few months prior to heading to the Northern part of Togo to help start and run the Hospital of Hope.”
God Bless
With tears, I lift you both up to our Father. It is in this time of sacrifice that He is ever so near and the anointing even greater upon your life. I pray strength and encouragement for you all! Hang on to His strength. Hang on! So much is at stake. Hang on! IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL!!!
Just lifting you both up in prayer and yes you have been blessed with skills, you are exemplary (!), dedicated and you are serving where He wants you. In the “storms”, the panic, the responsibility you hold, it may feel overwhelming .. just take a step back …. He brings calm and peace and remember this is His plan unfolding.
Praying for both of you. May God renew your strength and help you see His Glory in the midst of what may seem like human failure. He is with you always. Just returned from an India mission trip again, and each time I realize how ever present God is even when things seem so hard. Please let me know any way I can help. Praying. Thank you for all you do. Deborah Woodard
SOMEDAY YOU WILL LOOK BACK ON ALL THIS AND SAY….WE DID OUR PART… PRAYERS AND GREETINGS. BEST WISHES, MARGARET… MY GP IS RETIRING THIS SUMMER IN PUYALLUP AND SO IS THE OTHER ONE I BELIEVE… MY ENDROCRINOLOGIST IS OUT OF OFFICE BECAUSE OF FLU….CHANGES ALL OVER… SWISS MASQURADE IS THIS WEEKEND… HAVE A CALM DAY…
PS… ALL THE PICTURES ARE GREAT.. THANKS FOR SHARING…
And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone. 20 Teaching them to observe everything that I have commanded you, and behold, I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the [very] close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be).
Once again your writing just grips me and brings me to tears and yet also comforts me, knowing that as brothers and sisters in Christ we share together with you in suffering for the Gospel.
Praying for you often, everyday in fact and sometimes several times! Each time I think of you I lift up a prayer that God would continue to sustain you and give you peace even through these very difficult times. Wish I could come visit you.
Love you, Bill nielson
Oh your honesty! Its sad but its real. A reminder to help carry the burdens of our brothers and sisters. Life and death are not your decisions. You are there to be obedient and faithful and when you do everything just right, sometimes the end result isn’t going to be what you wish. Maybe the greatest gift you can give these people, is the hope and truth of Jesus Christ. Some things are out of your hands because God did not give you the responsibility to choose who lives and who dies. BYe has given you abilities to use to alleviate the pain and suffering in the natural and praise God for that! More importantly however, is the hope you have come to know. People find God during times of great need. You see them everyday. When you hug them, cry with them, feel with them…you provide the compassion they need to see. You are Jesus to them in these moments..an actual hands on, physical Jesus. You are called. You are equipped. Let Him fill you so you have more to give. You make a difference everyday. These people know its not up to you. When we don’t understand, we trust His character. It may not all make sense, but God knows what He is doing. He loves them. If he cares for sparrows and the grass of the fields, he cares for them and he cares for you. I love you guys!
David also struggled with with many of the same emotions you are feeling. My heart goes out to you knowing a small bit of what you and your bride are experiencing, through the posts you have written. But take heart; you ARE making a difference by the work you are doing. Your friend was right. You and Lydia are good doctors and God wouldn’t have you there if he felt you wouldn’t make a difference. You are not there by accident.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.
God bless you both.
“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and
every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he
has been good to me.” (Psalm 13)
Job 23:9-11 “When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.
This is my prayer for the two of you…that your feet will closely follow HIS steps as you care for and love on those in your reach.
I continue to send friends to this blog site so that your prayer warrior list GROWS!
I can’t pretend to know what you encounter on a daily basis, but I know that the weight must be heavy. I’m glad that you can unburden yourself, even just partially, through a blog like this, and give the rest of us insight. But the rest of us on this side of the ocean *know* that you’re a good doctor and we *know* that you’re doing His work.
Please know that our prayers are with you, Fred, Lydia and Noah. I also cannot imagine what it must be like daily for you there but you have given a good picture. Know that we are with you in prayer support and than He will not lead you where He cannot keep you, however difficult. God bless and watch over you and all to whom you minister there.
Thank you for your letter, Fred & Lydia. We understand much of your trials. Be assured of our prayers.
Storer & Wilma Emmett
Fred, you are a remarkable person to even be able to process what you’re processing here in words. I am astounded and grateful that you would share these most heart-rending moments of faith and doubt and pain and hope with us. I cannot imagine, as I have said before and continue to be reminded, how difficult this situation is for both you and Lydia, how deep the sadness must go, how tempted you must be to despair. Please know how heavy you are on my heart, how every day I wake and look at the schedule and lift you and my sister up to Christ, begging him to hold onto you and guide you and comfort you and shield you. How I pray for your patients and your colleagues. How I pray for systemic change in the finances and politics and all else (so complicated) of both those who w/could support you and those who are shaping the lives of the Togolese where you are. What I love most about your entry is the sense of liturgy — prayer that weaves in and through and all around — what you are doing and your daily actions. It is beautiful and stark, how much we need the strength and wisdom and peace that only Christ can give….bless you, brother. May God bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine on you….I love you. I believe in you and Christ through you. Hug my sister for me.